


Song for a Scribbled Down Name

by CharismaticEnticer



Series: Mortem Ex Machina (Dark!Verse) [3]
Category: Die Anstalt
Genre: ALL the slash, Diary/Journal, Dub writes in shorthand, Epistolary, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Slash, Pre-Slash, Present Tense, Spoilers, Unhappy Ending, but this is the Dark!Verse so you already knew that, internalized ableism, throwaway reference to suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-26 21:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1703915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharismaticEnticer/pseuds/CharismaticEnticer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"welp, looks like the whole "stop K being cute as hell and maybe <span class="u">don't</span> get cuddly with him" plan's scuppered."</p><p>Written to be part of the Dark!Verse, but if you leave off at a certain point, it can stand on its own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Song for a Scribbled Down Name

**Author's Note:**

> Holy fuck, look at how long this turned out!! I can **not** teal deer this year, I am so sorry!
> 
> I've been quite cruel to poor Kroko lately, haven't I? :( First Chapter 4 of SUTC, then Lost and Found, then Conversations with a Sheep to a slightly lesser extent, and now this. (There was gonna be Chapter 14 of APAE as well, but there was no way I'd get it up on the 'right' date before my girlfriend-based hiatus, so I thought it kinder to myself to skip ahead.) Hopefully here, the pieces of happiness he has for the bulk of the fic will go some way to making up for the shittiness thrust back upon him at the end. I promise I don't hate Kroko! But writers always have to hurt the characters they love.
> 
> Challenge: F is mentioned briefly in this story. If you can figure out which character in the Die Anstalt universe F stands for, you get a cookie! Hint: It's definitely a stuffed toy.
> 
> Die Anstalt © Martin Kittsteiner.
> 
> _(Note: summary changed as of 07/07)_

**Kroko**

[ _THIS DIARY BELONGS TO KROKO_  
 _PLEASE DON'T TOUCH_  
 _BECAUSE THIS IS MINE_  
 _STAY OFF_

Okay, that should do it. When you get new things, it's important to tell everyone they're yours so no one steals them. Maybe I should've done that on the box before it got taken away.

Anyway, hi... me. The me that reads this in the future when I'm all better and not scared. This is Day One of being Out Of The Box, I guess. And for what it's worth, so far being out in here isn't as bad as being out  _out there_. There's less water f~~~

for one thing. (Sorry, even writing the word makes me go all icky sometimes.) I haven't found a single bathroom yet! Not that I've been looking for one, I just haven't found one when looking for the things I'm meant to look for, like my bedroom so that I could start this off. The quilt looks comfy too, long and white and fluffy, like I could roll up in it nice and safe like a bug in a rug. I'd do that now, but if I did I'd smudge what I've just written, so I won't.

The people who took the box away were also really nice to me after doing that. I was afraid because they were all large and up in my face and they could have been enemies that gave my location away to things I don't want to see me with what they did, but they gave me some stuff that made me feel better and calm down and told me they weren't. They talked to me for a bit, then let me go explore with my blanket. They didn't even try to double check my secret agent card or anything! If I lay low, it'll be a snap to get them on my side.

There's a whole bunch of other animals in the hall too, just like me, a snake and a hippo and all sorts. I've seen them before through a hole in the box, and they look about the same up close, only bigger. So far, Sly - that's the snake - he's been friendliest; I'm not sure I always get what he's saying, but I think he means well. There's a bird too, but he mostly talks to the other humans. When he did talk to me, he was very strict, and his voice made me want to say sorry lots. The other three haven't said anything so far, to me or to anyone else.

One of them kept staring at me, though. The small turtle with the orange shell and sleepy eyes. He was skipping rope and I wanted to tell him to go take a nap because he was tired, but I didn't. Dr Spieler (she asked me to write this diary) said his name was Dub, and that he wouldn't listen to me if I tried, even if he could.

So there's quite a few people here I could be friends with, if I do this right. I'll give it a go tomorrow. Right now, I'm gonna try out that bed before this gets any longer. I'll see you then, future me! Or whichever me ends up reading this.]

 

**Dub**

**Dub's Diary, Keep Out**

how sad is that. 'My Diary'. who the hell keeps diaries anymore?

silly question; 1 of us already does. Spieler said she asked someone else to keep 1 cus it'd help get to know em better or something, then she's all 'you should keep 1 too, not to show anyone, to vent your feelins in a way your mental state finds acceptablablabla.' I can vent my feelins just fine lady. I'm just... not so good at puttin it into words people understand, is all, cus 'I don't need to be here really I'm not sick let me go please' aren't words people understand around here.

point is - point is there is no point. To the diary I mean. not like I'll be here for much longer anyways.

 

  
K apparently she's gonna keep starin at me til I write for long enough. looks like I'm stuck here a while. so what do I write about?

um        my feet are kinda itchy. nuffin new there. managed to up my rope speed by 5% earlier, that's a plus. harder I go better I do and all that.

new guy showed up in the lounge today. They say he's always been there, they only just got him to come outta the cereal box. Don't remember a cereal box round here at all but what do I know. he's a crocodile, goes by Kroko - well duh, that'd be like me goin by Turtle. more green than me, carries round this blue blanket, big old eyes. REALLY big. like imagine a puppy with an empty food bowl, only more scared that the food's got ants or tons of Kcal or something in it. big big. (I have no idea where that simile came from. god this thing's gettin to me already.) seems nice enough, I spose. wish I could talk to him, but he's prolly German like the rest of em.

Talkin of talkin, Dolly's still schtum. It's been 2 weeks now. Dunno what's up with her or if I can do anything to fix it, if she'll let me even. hope she hurries up and snaps out of it tho. looks really bummed. I can see it in her eyes.

It's all about the eyes today innit? Kroko's really are cute now I'm stuck on em. hope Doc isn't actually gonna read this to see I put that.

Feet still itchy. Dammit feet. OK will she let me stop now

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[Day Two Out Of The Box, and I can already feel this is going to be a kind, helpful place for me. That's a good sign, isn't it?

I had a good night in my new bedroom. Sleeping in a bed is much better than sleeping in a box, because there's three pillows instead of one! I think I might have had a very strange dream though? I had to see Dr Spieler again this morning so I could tell her about it, but by the time I got there I couldn't remember what happened, just that there was a tap. She said it was linked to my emotions in some way. Until we know more, she can't say for sure. If I have another one tonight, I'm going to write it down in here before I forget again. See? Diaries are useful for lots of things!

Dr Spieler is still nice. She's got blonde hair, and a soft voice like a mother - I mean, I've never had a mother because I'm a crocodile, but when I was still on the streets I heard enough mothers to know what one sounds like. The woman where her hand should be is sweet too, and so's Nurse Nadel. It's only the medical stuff she's got that puts me off, like the big metal stephoscope and the book full of funny inky shapes that became Eyes when I looked at them too o <o-

OKAY MOVING ON! When we were done, she went around and introduced me to everybody 'properly', because it was late in the day when I came out before so there wasn't much time. The bird that made me worry? He's another therapist, and his name's Dr Wood. I've never seen a cuddly toy as a therapist before! He must be incredibly clever. He asked me a few questions about where I came from and what they thought was wrong with me, I tried my best to answer them, then he ran away. The hippo is called Lilo. He seems shy, like he wouldn't have talked to me even if I never left the box. There's a sheep called Dolly, I forgot to mention her, and I think something must have made her sad because she keeps hugging a sock on her face. Sly I already knew because he's loud and stuff, and I knew Dub's name but nothing else.

I think Dr Spieler was half wrong about Dub, by the way. And if she gets mad at this bit, I'll have to shout at her because why is she reading my PLEASE DON'T TOUCH diary in the first place? She was right about 'he can't listen', because I said 'hi' to him and she spoke to him too and I  **think** he said hi back but anything else I couldn't tell because it was in this weird language that's kind of like German but was very different. But that didn't mean he wouldn't listen. I tried to figure out what he meant by talking to him some more, and I think he was trying to do the same to me. His eyes are even more sleepy close up, and though he doesn't sound like a mother as such, it's still good to listen to him. Everything about Dub is good if you stop and talk to him a while.

None of the others would say 'hi' to me at all. ...No, that's not true - Sly said hi to me, and then I said he'd already said hi to me lots of times yesterday. Then he said hi again. Sly is kind of... strange. Nice, but strange.

This place in a nutshell, really.]

 

**Dub**

ugh, gotta go back to this? Fiiiine

not as much happened today. Totalled 500 skips in the mornin, 600 in the afternoon. If I keep the pace up until gametime I should be faster than ever when Max gets me. wish he'd hurry up. D still quiet, Doc's therapy still a waste of time. what about 'drums paint dreams crap like that won't get me outta this hole any faster' don't these guys get?

while jumpin in the hall, she and Kroko came to see me again. she was like 'Dub this is Kroko' (uh already knew that you told me) 'he's meetin everybody else properly and he wanted to come say hi to you when you weren't busy' and he waved and said 'hallo' and I'm like 'yeah hello now can I get back to this'. but the little guy wouldn't leave, he just kept talkin at me. hadn't a clue what he was sayin and I said as much but he seemed to like it whatever. Funny thing, he's got the highest pitch voice I've ever heard a toy have - or hell, anyone at all. There's this cat back in Manc that's probably higher than that, though that's not an anyone really. put that with the small head and big eyes and it's like they made - god how's Max put it - 'concentrated cute'. That much cute in 1 toy can't be good for him.

It's sure not good for me. even when he's not around, sometimes I keep thinkin of him and fallin over mid-jump. bad sign. I could tell him to stop bein cute, but he wouldn't get it, and how can a guy stop bein cute?

Don't wanna write anymore. That's all what happened anyhow. If Spieler doesn't like this I'll just have to put paddin down over&over until she gets off my shell.

 

PADDIN PADDIN PADDIN PADDIN PADDIN PADDIN PA

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[Kroko's space for dream writing]

  
_[water from the really tall tap dripping big scary noise Im too small for a hole but I slip then wake up]_

 

[Okay, diary entry for real now, for Day Three Out Of The Box. Sorry the above was so scrawly, but it was dark and I was too scared of what I'd dreamed to try and turn the light on.

I took what I wrote to Dr Spieler in the session just after her lunchtime. I almost wanted to watch her eat instead of talk about it, because having it and then reading it in front of you is definitely more horrid than having it and then forgetting. I wouldn't have wanted to eat it myself, though; she had two halves of a whole] Fischbrötchen [in a small plastic bag, and fish comes from  _you-know-what_. Well... you don't know what. I know what. And in a way that's worse. I don't think I can eat bread anyway. I'm not a duck, so much the better.

Look at me, I'm rambling. Truth be told, I don't want to put down what she said to me about the dream anymore, nor about what she did to put me back under and make sure I didn't wake up as I slipped. I go cold even remembering it in my head, and I don't want to be cold anymore. So I'm not gonna do that. I mean, this is my diary. Dr Spieler called it a safe space for me, and I can put what I want to put in my safe space.

I just want to talk about the others. About Dub, really. After I came out, he went in for a bit while I tried to hide from the unsafe stuff. Dolly did look at me with, I think it was sympathy? I couldn't tell at the time. Then Sly started zipping around and Dub shouted lots at the same time and it got too noisy and I curled away. And by the time I came out, Sly was gone and Dub was talking, quieter now that he was closer to me. I got] "wrack" und "Spieler", [but that's all. Then he frowned like I'd upset him and tried to snatch my blanket away but I held onto it really tight because I didn't want that gone as well, and then it slipped out of his hands and he fell down. It was pretty funny to see him lying on the front of his shell like he couldn't get up! Dub's funny. Dub's lots of things, like busy and loud and soft.

...He touched my hand a couple of times even after I helped him up, Diary. Did he mean to do it? Was he that worried about me? I'm not sure, but it felt really good when he did it. It kind of made my heart bounce, if that makes sense. Do you think it's a sign that he likes me? That I like him? DO I like him? I don't know. I've never really liked anyone before cus they've all either been enemies or laughed at me, so I'm not sure how it's meant to work. He seemed distressed after the touches happened and left me on my own, so I don't think it matters much.

Sorry for the shorter entry this time. It just... I'm sorry.]

 

**Dub**

Today much the same as yesterday. rope wearin thin, but it and timer's the only thing I got. Docs still won't see I'm fine.

you see this is why I don't like the whole diary thing! you describe 1 day in a mental home you describe em all. get up skip see docs in denial skip bed get up skip see docs in denial skip bed etc etc. That's great for a routine where you're tryin your best to keep strong and fast and stuff, not so good for the writin down. even if I were with Max right now keepin this that's what would happen. experiencin it, all parties and sports programs and datin sprees are different, but once you put it into words, a party's a party's a party.

I mean bein with Max is like 50 times better than bein here because people don't freakin peg you for something you're not there. but if I am stuck here, I just want something to change it up so Doc'll leave me alone. but good change, not the crappy kind.

I guess I can talk about K some more? looked pretty scared today for some reason, sittin inside his blanket timid as anything. Tried to cheer him up, but of course it wouldn't take, it's all just babblin to him. any time I tried movin the pillow to get him more comfy I just fell down, and at least it made him giggle, and I m         Is Spieler around?  
OK she's not around. might've touched his hand accidentally. Twice. 3 times if you count him gettin me off the floor. I dunno if he noticed. not sure if I wanted him to either.

goin back to Max a sec. something of his is stuck in my head for some reason. he said once that me and him have the same problem, fallin too fast. but he had like 30 screwed up bfs/gfs at this point and I only had that 1 thing for F that never came to crap so I laughed at it. well I'm not freakin laughin now am I? It's been, like, 3 days and I'm already touchin K's hand TOTALLY by accident and callin him cute when it's just what I don't need. maybe it's cus time lasts so long and the therapy's so borin here that 3 days is long enough to start fallin.

Or maybe I really am ill and talkin to a diary's another of the symptoms. I dunno. Don't wanna think about this. gnight.

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[Day Four Out Of The Box started off on a bad note, I'm afraid. I didn't have a bad dream - or any dream at all, I don't think - and the bed was still comfy and cuddly, but when I woke up, I know I saw something rushing out of my open bedroom door. It might have been one of the Ey¬ Eyes; it was high up enough for it, and not even black this time like they'd been in the book. And I know what the  ~~E~~  what they're like; when I don't see one, they leave me alone, but when I do see one, the rest of them lurk and wait for a chance, so I had to go to the lounge while being careful not to get caught by them lest they freeze me up and start crying on me, and that wasn't easy at all. It's sad; I was doing really well to get away from them until now. I knew getting Out of the Box would bring them back, I just knew it!

So I was with the others and trying to be as small as possible so they wouldn't spot me, and cus of this I already didn't REALLY want to go to therapy, but Dr Wood came up to me and told me to go in anyway. Still, I knew that Dr Spieler was the one who took my box and allowed them to find me in here, and if I told her about them, she would have told them and then I'd be in even more danger. So I went under the bed rather than going on top of it and was going to stay there for the whole hour. I ended up not doing that though; as I went further under there I bumped into something hard and it hurt my head, and when I looked at it, it was something large and white and it flapped about, and one way or another I ended up running back out and away into a room I'd never been in before where it was pitch black and terrible and I couldn't see a thing.

It was Nurse Nadel that found me in there when forty minutes had passed. I got to miss therapy in the end, but I'll have to show up tomorrow. Hopefully they will have gone by then. I can still feel them near me, outside. They're glaring hard at me.

...I know. I shouldn't be complaining about all this. Other people have problems too. Like Dub; he was distraught this afternoon. He was running around all over the place with only his rope, he wouldn't stay still or stop shouting at everything. I tried to keep up with him to see if I could help him as best as I could without getting them back on my sight again, though I couldn't when he went into the bathroom. Sly thought we were playing Follow the Leader and came to join us, but I sent him back cus I don't think any of us were in the mood to play. I had to do this at least three times. Sly does his best to be a good friend, but sometimes he just can't take a hint, you know?

I hope he feels better tonight. I hope we all do. If I have more days like this, I'll have to go back in the box, and I don't want that after being out of it and brave for this long. And if Dub has more days like this, he'll be very sad. So we're gonna work hard and get better and be okay... I think.]

 

_[I can't sleep but I have to sleep. It's okay to sleep, the eyes aren't in the room with me, it's okay. I need to sleep, the eyes won't pick me up and take me away, it's okay. Don't scream.]_

 

**Dub**

Dammit! shit! my timer's gone missin!

That's a bad day right off the bloody bat. rough dreams, S all over the place and gettin on my nerves and I can't even tell him to keep it down, and then my timer - y'know the 1 thing I need besides my rope to get fit and or exercise my butt off round here - ups and disappears. Don't even know when it could've gone! all I remember is I listened to this voice on a tape tellin me I was a genius or something, then boom. back in the lounge, hurt head, and oh yeah no timer.

Spieler's no help of course. 'are you sure you didn't just put it down in your room, under your covers maybe' she says, like I'm an IDIOT, like I hadn't already checked everywhere there is to check before goin to her. I asked the others if they saw it, but they didn't say shit - cus let's be real, what were the odds they'd lead me to it? zip that's what. W was the only 1 to both understand and talk, and he was just all 'you should've taken better care of it then, now I have work to do so if you'll get out of the way?'

ass.

Only good part of today was K. sure he didn't get me my timer back, but I think he could tell something was up cus he kept followin me. like not in a creepy way, just keepin on my tail and gettin S to back off later. Then when I got tired and angry at not seein a lick of it, he started pattin my shell like he wanted to cheer me up, which helped tons. looked like he could use a hug after tho.

I sorta regret not givin him 1 now. K's a really really sweet guy. but I know if these people see us gettin - uh -  _cuddly_ , gossip's gonna fly. They'll get it in their heads that I'm gonna stay where I HOPE I literally have no need to be cus I've got a thing for Kroko or whatever. not that I don't have a thing for him or nuffin, I said I do already. Just don't wanna get pegged for wantin to stick around cus I did something stupid or he opened his big mou

Is it odd that I've just this sec realized K's not got a mouth? good god, almost none of em do. It's creepy now I think about it. like I'm in a factory of those Hello Kitty dolls. 'yet she always speaks the truth' and all that. K I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, gonna get my timer back then gonna find his talk hole so I'm less squicked out by this. later diary

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[ _Dub kissed me._

  
I'm sorry, I know I should start at the beginning. But I wanted to write that first so I don't forget it. Though I don't think I could forget something like this even if I was hit on the head really hard...

OKAY gotta focus okay. It's Day Five Out Of The Box. I went to therapy today after the mess of last time, but Dr Spieler didn't do anything much. She just talked to me about how I feel to see if I was doing better now, and I wasn't being haunted as much anymore and that's always a good thing. Of course they're still there in the background, but if I can't see them they can't see me. Apparently Lilo was so _close_  to completing his puzzle earlier but it slipped out at the last minute. Keep going, Lilo! And Dr Wood was acting strange earlier because he came out of the therapy room looking around all over the place like he was expecting dangerous beasts to crawl through the cracks in the corners at any minute and

oh god sorry if I seem kinda callous at the moment these are all really important things but I just wanna talk about the kiss already so okay here we go!! While all of this was happening, Dub was having trouble with his rope. He tripped up more than he made a jump, the poor guy. I wanted to go help him, but he wouldn't let me get near, just moving away for every step I took. Then at one point he fell over so bad that the thud made him let go of the rope, and it went soaring onto the ground, then Sly picked it up and threw it into a spare room. He went racing off into it and stayed there for two minutes, then I followed him inside and I think he was starting to panic again because I could hear him breathing as he went around and it was super fast. So I started looking too, in case it had gone somewhere he couldn't see it - I remember hearing once that it's not good to panic when looking for things because you miss obvious spots. And sometimes I panic a lot and... yeah. I ended up finding it under the bed; it must have skidded there. Dub smiled when I gave it back to him. I've never seen him look that relieved before. It's comforting to see.

I asked him if he was gonna do okay now, but he didn't say anything back. He looked like he'd remembered something he'd forgotten before, sort of. Then he got real close to me to make my body hum on the inside and started putting his hands on my face - no, like, not on my actual face, just above where my mouth is. He patted that for a bit, and I tried to say something like "what are you doing" but got blocked when he moved his hand down to where it really was. I wasn't complaining, just confused. Then his hand went back to his own jaw, going along his lips, then hesitated somewhere between the two, and since I was already nervously excited with him actually touching me in a way that wasn't on my hand, one thought hit another and the idea that he was saying he wanted me to put the mouth on the mouth showed up and

And I lied before. Dub didn't kiss me, at least not to start with. I suppose the truthful thing to say is that I kissed him.

It was quick. I almost missed. He didn't do anything after I did it at first, and it made me think I hadn't done it right, which would have been awful. I was going to leave him alone when he grabbed my hands to stop me and I had to look at him. And just as fast as I'd been, he tried to kiss me back, but he hit my chin. Then I kissed him again to show him where it was, then he got it right... It happened lots and lots after that. I can't think how many.

He's so gentle. He must have kissed someone before; he knows what he's doing, how to make it so I can't stop thinking about it then or when he suddenly left or now. It's stuck in a loop in my mind, a leitmotif, and I want it to be stuck in my body too so that I can

Excuse me, Diary. I've got someone to go see.]

 

**Dub**

still can't find my timer, grr. staff ain't seen anything of it. every time I ask D she just fiddles with her sock. least I've got my rope, so I can still skip a bit, even if it's a nightmare to do it without trippin up.

but to the big point: Kroko kissed me today. I was tryin to find his mouth like I said before and it just sort of happened I guess. Could tell it was his 1st, he was super nervous. To be honest, it was my 1st too, but didn't want him to know. had  ~~2nd~~   ~~3rd~~   ~~4th~~   ~~lost count~~  lots more kisses with him too. gentle stuff, don't wanna overwhelm him.

shit, hope no-one saw. we were on our own so we should be fine. but if anyone did, I'll shove em until they forget they did. If anyone else reads this and finds out I'll shove em too. They won't know wha

Ks just come in write more tomorrow

 

 

  
PS before bed  
so, turns out that I got K proper bonafide addicted to kisses. go figure. ♥

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[It's not so much Day Six Out Of The Box right now as Day Six With The Box In The Lounge Just In Case I Need It. Oh yeah - Dr Spieler gave it back to me! I was so excited about the kissing yesterday (and today, he kissed me quite a bit again today, though not as much as before since we weren't always alone in the dark) that I forgot to mention I asked her for it and told her about the E-y-e-s and she understood, and this morning she put it out for me so that, if I ever got frightened of them or  ~~wa~~  anything else again, I could be safe and they'd know where to find me next time. ...I'm never gonna live having to hide in the black room down, am I? Apart from that, therapy went okay. She says she's going to take a look at my diary in two days time to see how I'm doing, although I put STAY OFF on it and everything, but she says she won't read anything I don't want her to. Some toys don't have many secrets to keep, but it's important to protect the ones I have.

It's funny-strange - now that I have my box back, close to me, and I can smell its dried sugar scent and get the comfort from that, I'm not sure I will need to go back in it. Maybe it's cus just having it around is enough. I can't feel them on my back anymore. They might really be scared of the box, which I guess makes me slightly braver than them? That's a weird thought, my predators being more scared of me than I am of them. That can't be it. It's probably more because I've got Dub around, and having Dub is like having the box, only better in some ways.

I mean, that makes sense. I can't talk to the box. I can't talk to Dub either, but at least he can hear me if I do talk to him, which is more than the cardboard can do. I don't get a fluttery pocket when I touch the box's hand, mostly because it doesn't have any. It doesn't feel as lovely to cuddle and kiss the box; if I did that, I'd get paper in my mouth and I wouldn't be able to say anything. ...I wonder if Lilo and Dolly have paper in their mouths and that's why they can't talk right now.

Then again, I suppose Dub can't always protect me from the nasty things that want to get me, and the box can. So it all evens out in the end, doesn't it?

I dunno, I'm not making any sense. Today's been a long day, and on long days I can't always think straight. I wish Dub was here. He'd make it all make sense, for a little while.

...Oh! Write about the devil! I have to go now Diary goodnight]

 

**Dub**

welp, looks like the whole "stop K being cute as hell and maybe don't get cuddly with him" plan's scuppered.

I mean we haven't gotten cuddly-cuddly. long as people are possibly starin at us from every corner waitin for me to slip up and keep me here forever, don't think we could ever get so far as that in public. Just - single-cuddly. hugs and a few more kisses in same dark room behind closed door cuddly. Tryin to be focused on rope or blanket but still catchin each other's eyes across crowded not-dance-floor cuddly. ...maybe the odd hands reachin for dropped stuff at same time cuddly look I'm not an expert at this! bein loud and proud is all I know, this secrecy stuff's new for me. necessary in here but new.

K's takin it all in stride at least, from what I can tell of not understandin a word he says. I don't gamble, but if I did I'd wager he's never had a bf or even gf before. part of me thinks that at least I've got nothin to disappoint him compared to so'n'so, but come on, me. If I am his first, I don't wanna ruin bein cuddly/cute for him for life, right? and now that side's all 'then why aren't you bein more open' and it knows why already and why am I talkin to myself here? This thing's makin me look worse mentally by the minute. maybe I oughta rip out some pages and hide em so Doc don't suspect anything. actually oughta do that anyway if I'm gonna keep K a secret. yeah. she says she might wanna see the progress Wednesday afternoon, I'll do it then.

...I actually already think L might suspect something. he kept lookin at us today thru his blocks when he wasn't shooin S away. L and S are both weird in their own ways, L bein so distant and S bein so inyerface. The 2 deserve each other (this hat and you lalalala). what if they start gettin cuddly too? Then it'd get some of this heat off my back.

...nah! neither of em'd know cuddly if it hit em in the faces. speakin of cuddlin I think K's done with his diary by now. I'm gonna go check on him, pay him back a bit for last night. It's not public kissin if he's usually writin under the sheets anyway right?

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[I wanted to do something special for tonight's entry, because it's Day Seven Out Of The Box and all, so I went into Dub's room so I could have him near me while I wrote. And I found out something important - he's got a diary too! I didn't look inside it, it has huge angry letters on the front cover like mine and I have to respect it, otherwise he won't respect mine. So we're both keeping them together, me by him, him by me.

Let's see... Dr Spieler tried to give me dream therapy again, to see if we could get any further with the one I'd had already, but the thought of it freaked me out so much that I had to hide after a minute of it, so she stopped. She told me she was at a bypass with me, and I said sorry cus I don't like the idea of being a burden to people, then she said that wasn't what she meant and gave me a sweetie. Sly tied a knot around me earlier so hard that I almost got rugburn on the blanket, but he did draw a smiley face on it to make up for it and make it okay. He tried to do the same to Dub afterwards, though I'm not sure he liked it very much.

Dub. Dub Dub Dub! ♥ Whenever I look back on this week out of the box, I'm gonna think of him. Did I ever actually describe him to you, Diary? I've told you about his eyes, I think. They're still sleepy looking, but that's only because he has large lower lids. Inside the eyes, in the black dots, there's a spark of energy like an oil slick that goes all through him and out and it passes through to me whenever he touches me, which explains the jumpy heart I feel. His skin's the colour of moss growing so much along a brick wall that there's not many rough bits left, though some of him is brown instead, and his shell's orange with a white stripe and it squishes sometimes when I cuddle it. He's got a mouth that can sound harsh to my ears, but is soft and kind during kisses, and I almost wonder if he has two mouths that he changes out at top speed. He does everything so fast, talking and jumping and everything.

...Okay, maybe not writing. He's not doing that much, he's more staring at me while I'm looking at him. I wonder what he thinks I look like. I can't look in the diary. I'd still like to know anyway. If I spoke the same language as him I could ask him that, and who he likes in here most of all, and why he...

I have to confess, Diary, I am a bit worried. ...a lot worried. I know now that I like Dub. I've kissed him to prove it, all over his face. But does he like me? I know he's kissed me back and stuff, but that's always in private. He never does any of that stuff if someone's around. When we're in the patient lounge with the others and I try to hug him, he goes all stiff like cardboard and pushes me away and I feel silly. Is he ashamed of me?

I just checked and he doesn't look ashamed of me. He doesn't look anything, not like the way I hope I'm looking at him. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I want to make Dub happy, so I won't hug him in public if that's what he wants, but I want to know why. I just wish he'd communicate more directly sometimes, that there were a way I could -

wait  
hang on diary I think he wants me to write my name in you on the next page]

KROKO  
 _\+ DUB_  
 _**X X X**_

 

**Dub**

K wanted us to try writin our diaries at the same time tonight. he went in my room to get mine, got his out and started chicken-scratchin, so I'm gonna say that's what he wants. maybe if I keep this up I'll be able to get it right 15% of the time instead of 5%.

still no progress on the timer. some on skippin. none on gettin Doc to back off, none on D, none on shooin S, none on any of it. past couple of days, it's all been a blur. more than usual I mean. Max was definitely right about me fallin fast, I'm gettin more like him the more I hang out with K, cus all I wanna write about at the moment is him. ♥

I described him before but I wanna describe him again. maybe put the 2 side by side to see how kissin him so much gives me a bias or some smart talk like that. he's a crocodile that goes by Kroko, and for some reason he's scared of water. mostly green, with a pink tummy and purple claws that aren't as scratchy as they look but super soft. all of him is soft on the inside and outside, he's a big softie really haha. HUGE eyes to prove it. 1 look with those eyes and I keep on wanting to get cuddly and tell him it'll be okay even when nuffin's wrong per se. easily amused, easily scared, got a lot of emotional extremes there, and  
and holy hell he's a fast writer! I can smell the smoke from the pen he's got perched in his flipper arm thing. he's further on in the pages than I am too. he really took to this diary, huh? Then again so far he's kinda had lots of stuff to say. lots of feelins to vent.

hard to believe he's only been out a week and we're this close. well easy to believe knowin me but hard to put into words. he actually tried to hug me in public earlier and I shoved him off on some lame excuse. ...I think he's rememberin that bit too. he's stopped writin. he's gettin smaller and his hand trembles. Oh hell, I haven't made him sad, have I? Crap I have. he's just turned away from me and started again.

ARGH. If I could just do somethin to make it easier on him, but it's not as easy as that is it? I've got my health to keep up and he's got his

he's got  
he's

no. you know what? no. I'm gonna take a risk here. I got an idea. If Spieler sees this and I get committed longer I'll have to put up with it. but right now Kroko comes first.

DUB  
 _\+ KROKO_  
 _**X X X**_

 

* * *

 

**Dub**

god

something went horribly wrong today, not sure how to put

god what if it happens to

what the fu

 

I can't do this not now. more later.

 

 

later

so. I just got back from  
we just got back

I really don't want to write this. If I write this, it'll be lookin at me, and then it'llve really happened. That's not how it's sposed to be,  ~~things shouldn~~  Things just HAPPEN, no proof needed, real and there and

I dont want this to happen.

  
but everyone else is just talkin and talkin and talkin and it's too loud and there's tape sounds everywhSHUT UP  **SHUT UP**

OK. maybe if I do it quick it won't hurt as much. like taking off a plaster. OK.

I just got back from Sly's funeral.

 

  
nope. still hurt.

I'm gonna go sleep. If I sleep things could be back to normal tomorrow and he won't be dead. I hope.

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[Day 11 out of the...  
I can't really call these things Out Of The Box days anymore. I had to go back in the box on Wednesday when the world started screaming. Dr Spieler says I was allowed to not be brave. I don't think I was. Braveness is always good, even when

...Sorry. I don't want to put any of this down. This is my safe space. But it won't get out. It stays inside and it's sore. Will writing it help? I'm not sure.

... On Wednesday, Sly got into a muddle. The doctors took him away and they tried to help him. But it all got very confusing. Then they had "electrical problems", whatever that means. And Sly couldn't get better, and he had to-- go away. He had to go away for a very long time, where someone else might be able to get him better now. We're not going to be able to see him again. Everybody else got very upset. They're still upset, and so am I. This morning was really bad for my mood and it's not helping.

If I'd known before that Sly had to go away what was tomorrow then, I would have gone-- I would have gone up to him an-- and said goodby--

 _oh god I can't do this_ ]

 

**Dub**

sorry for bein AWOL. actually no I'm not. all the shit that's happened, I'm not fixin to write down much these days. not like docs'll be mad anyway. They've got the same thing. we've all got it and it's all come from the same thing, the same always there always thrummin thing that I can't get away from no matter how much I try not to look at it.

Sly's dead. he's been dead for 3 days. and knowin he's dead hurts. It hurts whether it's in the pen or in the mind or in a diary or thru the mouth of some therapist that, the only time I actually need her, is so sad by the same thing that I end up comfortin her instead til we both feel less crappy about it. like we could ever feel less crappy about it. Sly's dead. That's all there is to it.

I try to       I tried to keep up what I was doin before. puttin speed up by 5%. pushin harder without the timer, I could do without. make the most of it yknow. but Spieler got safety aware and took my rope.  ~~Thinks I'll hang myself by mistake.~~  so I do press-ups and side-stands now. Max showed me how before we got here. It's hard work. Kind that keeps you fit, strong. healthy.

...maybe if I'd taught him some of it sooner. maybe if I'd done anything for him. maybe maybe maybe, all for nuffin.

I didn't even really KNOW the guy that's the worst bit. Sly was just S to me. some hissin screamin snake that got on my case sometimes, D's othertimes. 1 of the 5, the way I'm 1 of the 5. 1 of the 3 I'd never have spoken to if they didn't speak to me. he was Sly, full stop. but more importantly he was Sly while bein alive. and now he's not, and nuffin feels the same. where there should be colour and noise and all the stuff I didn't give a second glance to when he was around, now there's - not any of it.

Just blank spots. Just us lookin for him and waitin for a comeback that isn't. Just us stuck in ourselves. Just us turnin to see him knock something down or sit in the blue armchair in the corner out of force of habit, but the thing fell on its own. The chair is empty. The hall is empty of him.

and it shouldn't mean anything to me because I didn't know him, but it does.

his room is next to mine you know. every time I come out I have to see a reminder of it as I follow the others, all taped up in black. so do we all. so does Kroko.

Kroko's been  ~~an angel~~  a sweetie. (horrible wordin.) he's as upset by this as I am. I never got to do anything to either hide us or reveal us, the day he died, so we're floatin somewhere below where we were before. we sit next to each other, when we can. he sits around me when we're alone, hugs me close. I hug him back. we can feel each other breathin, and it's reassurin to know he's not the 1 gone. I'm gonna do it again tonight to help him sleep better. he'll like that. It's rainin out, pretty heavy too. he gets really bad when it rains. he goes all small in a ball and I want to hold him even more and most of the time I do. his heart thrums in his chest when I do it. It's so loud and important to me to hear it, specially right now.

This is probably far too soon. even Max would laugh at me. but sod it. I want to say it. I really have fallen for him.

writin that gave me the wobbly eyes. I'm not gonna cry, K's not gonna like that. gotta pull myself together gotta do that.

but I don't wanna lose him. I don't wanna lose what we've got. Don't want this fallin to end in a crash landin. honestly I don't wanna lose any of em now we're all here and together in our grief and stuff. I hope I won't. I hope we don't. so far, Dr Wood says, Sly's the only known toy to die, he said something clever like that. and he didn't admit it, he said the opposite in fact, but I think maybe he meant we're gonna get through this. If only 1's dead then maybe it was a fluke. Just wrong place wrong time thing. It's gotta be. If Max were here he'd try to help me be optimistic about this cus optimism and calmin things down are literally his shtick back home, but he also knows these things come in packs like when that friend of friend of friend died on the day of his great uncle's funeral that 1 time but this isn't gonna come in packs! Toys don't die. we're not meant to die. There's toys out there 100 years old and they're not dead. Sly's dead and it hurts in every place imaginable but he's the exception, he died to prove it to the rest of us, no matter what Wood or anyone says about the matter, we have to get through this we have to survive this. Kroko and Dolly aren't gonna die and I'm not gonna die either I'm not gonna die I didn't come all this way and work this hard and have to go through what I've gone through and meet the 1 guy who's helpin me keep it together and not start breakin all over the place I didn't do all that just to bloody DIE!!

 

 

  
...hahahaha. guess you're good for something after all, diary.

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[everything's going wrong

we all found dr wood under the bookcase and he's gone to the same place sly had to go and we think someone else called v took him there and then dub freaked out and fell down and then dr spieler talked to us about sly but I couldnt take it in because I was too worried about dub

he hasnt gone yet but Im scared he could go I dont want him to go Ive only just got him I cant this cant happen I cant

hes in his room right now and I want to be with him but the staff wont let anyone inside they say he has to be on his own until they can work out how to get him up

I cant even talk to him from in here

please dont let him go dub please dont go please its already getting lonelier without sly here and without dr wood here you cant go meet them you have to stay with me you have to

dub please stay I need you

please]

 

* * *

 

**Kroko**

[It's today. Just... today. Tonight, actually. It's bedtime. I'm alone in my room.

Lilo's been learning sign language. He showed me some this morning. I didn't say anything. I wasn't speaking at all at the time.

Dub went away two or three nights ago.

Dr Spieler found out why Dolly hasn't been talking to anyone. She has a wolf side or something. It came up to me and had a chat with me earlier. I was saying things by then.

Dub's gone with the others.

In between, I told her about the two of us when it was my turn. Spieler, I mean. I told her how much I miss him. I almost cried, and the idea of water from my eyes on my skin made me almost cry even worse. She was there for me.

Dub's dead.

What I write down today, tomorrow, any day... It won't make any difference. It's supposed to, I'm supposed to have more things than this. But I'm scared it's never going to make a difference again because  _Dub's dead_.

Dolly, Lilo and I are the only ones left. We're all half the size we used to be, and we're all sad about different people. Lilo misses Sly. We all do. I think Dr Spieler might miss Dr Wood, in her own way. And I miss Dub, so much and so deeply, like the sky turned upside down without him. Everything scratches instead of rubs softly, and scratches hurt.

It hurts. I have cuts in my heart and needles and things and they won't stop. It hurts. It hurts]

**Kindermann**  
 **[What is presumably the last 'raw' page of this diary has been mostly recovered from the scene of Kroko's murder. V wrote their third note on the blank side of the ripped-out paper. We have tried our best to transcribe it below, but be aware that the damage caused by water splotches and overleaf handwriting means that our version may be inaccurate to what was actually written.]**  
 **\- K. Nadel**

[and it's never gonna stop hurting. And he's not there to make it better, which sets it off more, and I'm on a downward spin  **{?}**  that I can't get off.

I'm so scared. It's nothing I can do anything about  _except_  be scared. I want to do something, and be brave, and maybe see Dub again, but I can't do any of it. I just have to hide in my room, keep the door shut tight, write my diary, and keep him in my head and heart where, at least, he'll be safe. Nobody can hurt him in my head. No one can get to him anymore... though V could still get to me.

I don't  **{untranslatable part}**  what I've written before. I miss you, Dub. I miss the you from those pages, private though you were. I miss everything about you, even the stuff that annoyed me sometimes.

I miss the dream you I fell for. And I want this nightmare to end.]


End file.
